Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Love in darkness






It takes a second for love to happen.

I stood alone in the crowding alley.

As loud music reverberated around I stared at a figure without a breathing break. In darkness, the crowd mingled, limbs moved in all directions uncontrollably while I stood there with my hand in my denim jeans pocket and eyes still fixed in the direction of the creation, the one created.

In the motionless stance among mechanical bodies, my mind didn’t flicker an inch. The loveless figure sat at a distance with uncomforted eyes but smile glued on the melancholy filled face; the perfect smile of a disappeared love regaining consciousness slowly.

Our path in-between still crammed by souls in tempo didn’t let us move, or was it the velocity of pain shared by us. The stagnant bodies met in silence. Devoid of the pain we parted.

It reminded me of ‘Karla’ from the book Shantaram. Her poem in the diary narrated by Gregory David Roberts says it all...

To make sure none followed where you led
I used my hair to cover our tracks.
Sun set on the island of our bed
night rose
eating echoes
and we were beached there, in tangles of flicker,
candles whispering at our driftwood backs.

Your eyes above me
Afraid of the promises I might keep
regretting the truth we did say
Less than the lie we didn’t,
I went in deep, I went in deep,
to fight the past for you.
Now we both know
sorrow are the seeds of loving.
Now we both know I will live and
I will die for this love.





In darkness, the figure disappeared among flying limbs. Anxious; I wandered around smoking hopelessly. The moonlight soft skin remained intact in my mind. The ringing shadow of a temple bell gave me solace.

I stood alone in the empty alley.

It takes a second for darkness to give way to yet another dawn.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Dhoope ke Sikke and my home, lost home...


Never has a song really reminded me of my home, lost home. Never at least a bollywood song. Kashmir, which meant home till the first 9 months of my life has been in centre frame of my mind always. It has brought tears, longing along with imagination of my neighborhood, my garden back in the valley. My three storey house near the famous Dal Lake, which was filled mostly with old and new books. I’ve heard.

It would now be hard to trace the ashes of those old and new books on that barren land. They burned it all to the bottom.

धुप के सिक्के उठाकर गुनगुनाने दो उसे,
बैंगनी
कच्चे हथेली पर सजाने दो उसे!

भोली
भाली भोली भाली रहने दो

ज़िन्दगी
को ज़न्दगी को बहाने दो..!

Prasoon Joshi, famous lyricist has a magical gift of writing Hindi songs. After the much adored ‘Meri Ma’ from the film ‘Taree Zameen Par’, he has returned with yet another surreal ‘Dhoop Ke Sikke’ in the newly released film ‘Sikander’, which I’m told has an undercurrent of terrorism. I would refrain to comment on the film from what I’ve observed of it till now. No offence meant. I know at the most it would talk about the present locals of the valley (their suffering), or the army and the state. Peace would be its message. Though it would as always not touch me or my community. I’m still considered untouchable by our intellectuals. I’m not a revolutionary mass-murderer; I’m just a Kashmiri Pandit. The Pandits (Hindus) of Kashmir valley who were ethnically cleansed.


मगर धोके से तुने उसका बचपन भी तोह लूटा है,
ज़रा
देखो तोह उसकी आँख में वोह कबसे रूठा है!!

जुगनुओं की रौशनी में दिल लगाने दो उसे...

Sanjay Suri is my only hope for now. He plays a reformed terrorist in this film. Many rumours claim he is being portrayed as a mixture of Hurriyat's MirwaizUmar Farooq, JKLF's Yasin Malik and slain separatist Abdul Gani Lone. In real life, Virenderveer Suri, Sanjay's father was gunned down one morning in 1990. His only crime, being a 'Hindu' in a predominantly Muslim Kashmir. Sanjay may have been 19 then.

Today we complete 19 years in exile from our land. The above lines by Prasoon, made my mind travel, it reminded me of my pain. I'm missing my home that I've never seen. Perhaps, never will.

अकेले छोड़कर उसको क्या कहने चाह रहे है हम,
क्या कहना चाह रहे है हम!
एक गहरी नींद से हमको जगाने दो उसे!!

I've been alone in these gone years. I've been left alone..

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

On the chair, my friend...

I’m tired. The mornings are no different anymore. I’m tired of the surroundings. My eyes open only late into the afternoon. I struggle to find words to pen down this post. The same words which are so deeply visible on my face, in my mind; just all over my day.


Over days, I’ve become a subject to my room. A lifeless subject, sitting motionless on the comforting wooden chair. All day staring at a 14 inch screen, full of life. The same screen which revolves the world and brings it closer by the second.



The verandah door to my left, takes my attention every now and then. It’s after months there is a sudden after rain chill in the air. It isn’t humid strangely. The green curtain dancing to its tunes brushes through my face every time there is a wave. The heat it seems had not taken me alone as its victim.




The longing for love isn’t visible in me. There is a silence, however.


I look up myself in the mirror each day and introspect. The past, present and the future.


A lot seems to have changed. Change is good, they say. I wonder!


..And what remains is the chair, my friend in the room.


Though I’m still tired... of the darkness, stillness and lonely soul within me. I want to break free from the city into the mountains again. Till then I remain wandering sitting on my chair..


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The hour I got stoned

Blurred Busy Street

In search of my own self I wander still. I wander around the busy streets of the city in light and on the narrow empty pathways in darkness. I haven’t found myself still. My reflection plays with me, mimicking my own self. It holds me tight once for a while and releases me as soon as I move out and run in search again. This circle of my existence and exploration continues in a roundabout.

With a chilling wave across my body I found myself on a pavement bench on a busy market-street in the city. My body had never felt so light. It was late afternoon and the sun was bright on this summer day in Delhi. I enjoyed the heat, the rays of the sun as they fell on my face, tearing across drops of sweat. It was heaven or even better.

The early morning exam in the college had finally given me a chance to pamper myself. I had roamed around the streets and at friend’s place doing everything they did; following their routine of good and the bad. It never happened as I had imagined. Rather I never imagined I’ll be stoned to a blurred vision and almost loss of memory into just a couple of hours. The squares appeared triangular while the rectangular appeared shapeless. It did circles around my mind. Circles with high frequency juggling around. I had however managed my way out early and followed my daily commuting pattern unknowingly. I found my way after a long journey finally at the bench on the pavement on the busiest market in the city. I was safe but without my senses in control. I was high. Or even higher than I expected ever to be. I didn’t realize it then. Maybe I shouldn’t have and I didn’t.

In-between sun rays, my mind circled exploring around for love, hate and life. Life had been there and lay still within me. It was, but had it a reason to move on I wondered away. Hate wasn’t there. It wasn’t visible unless even if it was blur to my vision. Love was there I suppose. Even in that blurred vision, in that senseless body I found love. Love in my life, love in myself. Wonder where did it vanish suddenly now that I’ve been in senses for a while, my love?

The hour long stay on that bench had moved me drastically. The hour I got stoned. It had put myself in front of me open. My wandering self in search, was over for sometime. Only to begin soon yet again. Myself that I had found had disappeared minutes after I gained my senses.

Since I’ve again been in waiting; wandering across the city, measuring its long roads again. I’ve been helpless in my search. The hours have only grown into further many hours. The days have given way to darkness in hope for me. The darkness in return has assured me of a new tomorrow with a new beginning. The crack of dawn with its first light and fresh fragrance awaits me. I wait for myself in hope. In hope for the same love. Senseless love.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hope on the riverside..


Mind is dead it seems. It doesn’t anymore direct me to pen down my thoughts. For days I’ve tried to place my thoughts on a page of Microsoft word. It has been a hard exercise. Oh yes, it isn’t just the empty mind; there is much more to it. The bustling noise behind is something devastating for a writer. Hey listen, I don’t claim to be a writer. I’m just writing away...


Yet again on the eve of my birthday; here I stand. This is the 20th time. Two long decades. It was a long wait friends. Long back, the age of 20 looked as a milestone I was dying to cross


For days I wanted to share with my friends, a few photographic collections from my visit to a ghat (river side), near Nigambodh Ghat in Delhi. It was the 10th day Kriya (ceremony) of my distant relative; who passed away almost a month back.


It was a cold morning. The Yamuna looked pathetic with clutter of rubbish on its bank. Though I loved its beauty, its vastness and the surrounding green belt. The metro far above on a platform of the river looked a miracle, flying away in jet speed. It took my gaze to and fro between the two sides of the river every few minutes.


A blue colored boat lay lazily still on the riverside. So did I. On the steps I sat, staring away at the far length of the river.


The boatman lived just on the entrance of the lane near the steps. The blue door of his house attracted my attention. I was told it was decades old. Two decades old it was.


...The blue door of his house attracted my attention. I was told it was decades old. Two decades old it was.


I still see some hope for future Hope of returning to my land, my home. The door of my home in Kashmir would be old enough now. I hope it will attract my attention.


The home that I want to return. My home which was burnt to ashes in 1995.


The past nostalgia is still churning itself inside me; the hope for future is burning all around me.



Sunday, March 8, 2009

It wasn't to be..

It wasn't a fair day. It wasn't. The bus after long had caught pace. It had been moving at snail pace either due to traffic or else the command of the driver.

It was well into mid-night by now. The sudden dramatic speed of the bus had put my face peep off the window to grasp the cool breeze through the quiet highway. It was a relief; not from hot climate but the congested bus and the frustration it had put me into. As if the day gone by had had less burdens in my share. The breeze had set me thinking. As I pressed my hand through my hair; my mind flew through the hours gone by, the day which was about to end or which just did with the culmination of this journey. The bus inside was lit in white fluorescent but the outside was dark.

The breeze I noticed had put my hair into locks of curls towards the right. I have this peculiar habit of not combing my hair most of the times. Only formal engagements force my hand towards the comb. Rest always my hands are best treated for it. The window pane by now had to be shut after instructions from the irritated conductor. I presume few other passengers couldn't adjust with the breeze; and found more pragmatic to be inside the four moving walls. Soon after the lights inside were even switched off. I however continued my gaze through the barrier of tinted windowpane..

The outside came visible with the bus inside going dark. I wasn't supposed to be in the bus, the circumstances somehow had led me into it. The bus journey on highways are something I look forward to most of the times. This time I was compelled silently into the journey of these few hours against my wish.

My friend seated to my right forced me into conversations ranging from Politics to even finding clues to guess the name of my girl friend. I was least responsive of his ever growing dialogues of interest. He shifted to listening music from my cell phone in utter disgust. I finally had silence and darkness at my end; somethings which rarely come in this fast paced life. I wanted to write after long but the situation didn't allow me to move ahead with my idea of penning down my thoughts. The thoughts continued and gave birth to newer ones.

The short break at the roadside dhaba came and went away. I found my way to puff for a few minutes a cigarette in between. The bus journey continued as did the timeline of my own mind..

The brown shirt I wore still had its long hands folded. Someone had made me fold the sleeves till my elbow to make me look smarter along with the pair of jeans. Into that someones thoughts I rested deep into my seat till I reached home..

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Nostalgia, Coffee and Love..

Winter Chill is all it takes to make me jump out in action. The raised eyebrows of the not so warmly sun catch my eye just every morning, only to make me slip deep each time into the tent of my blanket. Warm soft as silk. This long blanket has been a companion for few years now. Years which have pushed me into the maddening pace of life, pricked me to settle a foot in the most appropriate way and further thrown, pulled and yet again thrown me aside in a corner unnoticed, alone. It has been a pushcart journey on a rickety road..a long road indeed!

Filtered Coffee Mug at ICH

I've been punctual all these years I talk about. Late to sleep and late to rise has been an interesting unstoppable practise which lingers on even now. This isn't just my lazy attitude but a strong rational reason attached. During the day the commotion, the activities of all but me, the colours and not so colours of life have a way to move on without a break. The peace within is lost. Lost until night falls and supper ends. As the tungsten bulbs switch off, my lights turn on. The peace within discovers me at this moment. Not always though.

Barakhamba Road

All these years there has been change all over. Though my evening coffee on a Friday still makes its way almost always. The group meets over a filtered coffee and piles of planning, work and strategy build-up. The Palak Pakoras still have the same taste with Red Tomato sauce at the Indian Coffee House (ICH) in Cannought Place.The roof-top here remains dark during the evening rush hour. The furniture is old, and the walls have lost their charm.

Busy Cannounght Place at Night

That doesn't really deter people from coming here in large groups; young and the old; salesmen or insurance agents; activists or writers all heard along on simple broken wooden chairs. The atmosphere is philosophic and the people are lost into hours of discussions on topics from Politics to new insurance policy in the neighbouring LIC. The arguments followed by counter arguments carry on till late evenings. Nights have changed in the city though. Discs and Pubs are the new elite crowd destinations. 'Times Change' they say. Times have changed sure enough.


The filtered coffee and the love for Palak Pakoras hasn't changed though.

At the Oxford Bookstore in Statesmen House at Barakhamba Road, I walk into thousands of books on parted shelves as I discover a new trendy way of a book bar as one may put it. Bookstore tied up along a 'CHA BAR' for snacks. I gulp down the Sandwich and the chilly coffee as I wonder about my upcoming Friday Coffee at the Indian Coffee House (ICH), a few lanes ahead. The nostalgia over a cup of coffee continues still.. wonder how long this will continue..!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

19 years to the 19th day of 1990: Exodus of Kashmiri Pandits

I haven't been writing on the blog for long. Though I couldn't think of a reason strong enough to mention for this but maybe I have been a bit too occupied with college, newspaper writings and to top all reasons 'friends' (read:friend!). In last few months I earned some new friends (read this as friends!) and discovered some new ideas to explore in the times to come. I even drove straight to 'Neemrana' in Rajasthan for a day long trip with friends recently.

Last week, I was done with my college internals and now plan to get back to writing and as usual reading books which I've piled for days and kept in a strange order of sequence on my bookshelves. For days I've been thinking to write, write and write here...but sometimes the brain can just not 'zero in' on a subject. A subject, so different, so challenging and yet so simple, yet so common. This is just that time which people term as '..one of those days' when mind is in constant warfare within; with thoughts contradicting thoughts and much more happening inside me. What I could however come down to and know well enough was that I've a strange habit of writing during 'nights' or rather 'in dark'.


After days of procrastination from a friend, I had to bow and get on to writing yet again. Not to satisfy the said friend's wish alone, but for myself; for me to get better each day with writing skills. It was 19th last Monday, and I completed 19 years in exile, quite strange but even I'm 19 years old.

'..19 years ago I was - 19 years after I still am - but 19 years I lost..'
Thought of sharing an article I wrote for my Campaign Blog here. It is reproduced below. It was very encouraging to see storm of comments and a debate being generated on my writing. Few others also thought of re-publishing my brief piece at the following links :

1. Vijay Vaani - http://www.vijayvaani.com/FrmPublicDisplayArticle.aspx?id=353
2. Sachiniti - http://sachiniti.wordpress.com/2009/01/20/19-years-to-the-19th-day-of-1990-exodus-of-kashmiri-pandits/

and here it goes..

I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day

What hours, O what black hours we have spent…

-
Gerard Manley Hopkins

19th January 1990. Kashmir was breathing still; Kashmiri Pandits lay hidden like frightened pigeons in their own nest. Today on behalf of my fellow brothers and sisters, I wish to revisit the pain of my separation from my own home 19 years ago, when the cruel hands of Allah-Wallahs butchered members of my community for being idol worshipers, for rejecting the call for unholy Jihad and for siding with their own nation India. The Islamic murderers played dire warnings from their Mosques which pierced each nerve of anybody who held a Hindu name. As the sun turned pale, exhortations became louder, and three taped slogans repeatedly played their terror: 'Kashmir mei agar rehna hai, Allah-O-Akbar kehna hai' (If you want to stay in Kashmir, you have to say Allah is great); 'Yahan kya chalega, Nizam-e-Mustafa' (What do we want here? Rule of Shariah); 'Asi gachchi Pakistan, Batao roas te Batanev san' (We want Pakistan along with Hindu women but without their men).
The roots of this unparalleled tragedy are immersed in 1986 with a well-planned strategy to execute Hindus from the valley. By 1990, the population saw their age old temples turned to ruins and lives at risk. As Pakistan stepped up their campaign against India, new Islamic terror outfits suddenly mushroomed in the state. As Jamait-e-Islami financed all madarsas to poison them against the minority Hindus and India, Pakistan further dictated youth to launch Jihad against India. A terror strike so meticulously planned that its unprecedented display was terrifying. As camps in Pakistan Occupied Kashmir (POK) began to provide training to innumerable Muslim men, India witnessed the emergence of the bloodiest Kalashnikov culture in the valley. The victims- innocent and non-violent minority- the Kashmiri Pandits.
The Chief Minister Farooq Abdullah, abandoned his responsibilities and the administration, the state and people lay like cattle on an open road. The hidden fact of rigged elections in 1987 had by then become a lucid statement. Today 22 years later, Omar Abdullah takes position of the same majestic throne, though I wonder how efficiently he would carry forward the state of affairs. Will he like his father ruin the backbone of the state and leave the minority Hindus helpless as always, or will he rise above politics, religion to create space for Pandits in their valley? The unanswered question lingers on.
When Farooq Abdullah escaped underground, Jagmohan took reigns as the governor of the state. Though not very competent to handle an already ruined socio-political situation, he as a mark of remarkable leadership helped Kashmiri Pandits receive safe shelter. Jagmohan charted out an exceptional strategy to counter Islamic fanatics and also opened his Durbar (Office) to public irrespective of time. He visited families of the martyred Hindus. About one such meeting with the family of Satish Tickoo, murdered by communal JKLF goon Bitta Karate , he wrote an outstanding excerpt in his book, ‘My Frozen Turbulence in Kashmir’- “In Habba-Kadal, except for the long row of our vehicles, nothing was seen on the streets. The afternoon rain appeared to have soaked the houses with depression. The few windows that were open were without even the usual dim light. The dark clouds overhead completed the picture of gloom… The house of Tickoo was like a shattered nest. Everything lay scattered. The grim atmosphere around told the tale more vividly...”
He further wrote, “As I was about to leave, Satish’s uncle who was a bit vociferous and assertive, insisted that I should go upstairs and see the family deity. I agreed. A calm majestic figure was soon visible. It looked so imposing even in the darkness… With tears in their eyes, the family members thanked me and the accompanying officers. We were all moved over the sad plight of the family”.
However one excerpt that mirrored my anxiety of 19 years was composed in words by Jagmohan, “Looking at the compact and enmeshed houses, and the by-lanes which acted like fine threads of a well-knit fabric, I wondered how these families, who had all their Gods and Goddesses here, and had deep roots in the soil, could leave and settle in distant and unfamiliar lands. Sometimes life is unaccountably cruel. And we human beings have, perhaps, no option but to suffer – suffer in silence, or wail”.
Satish Tickoo was not the lone martyr who fell to the bullets of so-called revolutionaries. Tika lal Taploo, Nilkanth Ganjoo, Sarla Bhat, and countless others followed the target list of JKLF and other Islamic Terror outfits backed by Pakistan financially, psychologically and politically. An absent government, collapsed administration, and a petrified community saw despondency set in. As the moonlight of January 19, 1990 wore itself out, despondency gave way to desperation. Tens of thousands of Kashmiri Pandits across the valley decided to take an agonizing decision, to flee their homeland and save their lives and religion from rabid Jihadis…
..Thus took place a 20th century Exodus.
Pandits left the valley, with an approximate statistics of more than three lakh and fifty thousand. Almost a thousand Pandit men, women and children were slaughtered to death in 1990 alone by these revolutionaries of Islam. Surprisingly on paper, official figures clogged at only 209 killed! Alas! Soon the J&K government shall disown the whole Pandit community as aborigines of Kashmir.
In this 19th year, a few hundred frightened Pandits still live scattered across the valley in far flung areas hoping against hope for peace and their brethren to step on the snow once again.
This 19th year embarks upon a history of bullets to makeshift camps in Jammu with torturous summer heat to snake and scorpion bites and finally dreadful diseases. Seven camps in Jammu are an uninhabitable asylum for around 50,000 Kashmiri Pandits. The only perceptible change is an upgradation of some to permanent structures.
My heart bleeds when I watch communal turned pseudo-secular Kashmiri separatists grab the headlines while the plight of the Pandits remains a non-issue. It isn’t the so-called Azaadi that the people of Kashmir desire. They long for an immediate crackdown on terrorists, an end to the separatist elements and those unbearable puppets in the Valley- all for normalcy to return. Though sidelined for now, the political patronage they enjoy could soon take the voices from the Hurriyat and JKLF spreading propaganda of terror and hatred to the frontlines of politics.
An entire community uprooted from the land of their ancestors is today struggling for its identity. The weak-kneed Indian state shamelessly panders to Islamic terrorists and separatists who claim they are the final arbiters of Jammu and Kashmir's destiny. A part of India's cultural heritage is destroyed; a chapter of India's civilization has been erased. And, our jhola-wallah brigade of ‘secular’ activists unabashedly turns their back to the plight of Kashmiri Pandits. To them I believe, ‘Hindu sorrow, inflicted by Islamic terror’ is a truth perhaps too harsh to accept. Thereby hangs a tragic tale that is completely wiped out from public memory.
I am reminded of a stanza by a Jewish poet: ‘...without identity in a street nameless to me, I am a stranger: I am longings, I am fears. I am child longing to belong to his lost childhood and not be outside the present, always withdrawn, apart...’
I’m as old as the terrorism in the Valley. In these 19 years, the only time I felt the breeze of my land was through the closed windows of my airplane. She beckons me and I am too desperate now to grab its serene quilt. My mother nature has summoned me, and I shall answer her call soon, very soon.
Till then, in this 19th year of exile like the unanswered questions of our human rights …my struggle for existence also continues.